One song that I really like, and can relate to, is Grenade by Bruno Mars. It's about giving all your love to someone, about doing anything for that person, but the feelings aren't at all mutual. One line that I'm drawn to, in particular, is "I gave you all I had and you tossed it in the trash..."
I know that not all relationships are going to work out; people need time and space to grow as an individual. But it doesn't make break-ups any less painful. Seriously, when you're with someone for over a year and a half, and you trust them with anything and everything, and then they turn around and say "I need space," it's impossible to not be caught off guard.
I'm one of those people that tends to keep emotions locked up and hidden away inside, but sometimes they just come bubbling out anyway. I have trust issues, and I don't have many friends that I can confide in. When I left high school so I could start college early, a lot of people didn't understand my decision. I know that it was the best decision for me, given the circumstances, and I can't bring myself to regret it since I am happy now, but sometimes I still wonder "what if.."
What if I'd stayed in high school, pushed through all the drama and unhappiness... would our relationship have ended up like this?
What if I'd stayed in high school, would I have made friends in my classes? Would I have been able to break through the barriers of cliques to find a decent circle of friends?
What if I'd stayed in high school, and it actually got better?
What if I hadn't given up, and I'd overlooked the opportunity that changed my life for the better...
But there is no going back. Even if I could, I don't think I would. Like I said, I'm happy now... for the most part. I like taking fewer classes, yet still learning more than I ever did at Springfield High School. I like the classroom environment at CCV and the friendliness of the teachers here. Most importantly, I like that the students here actually enrolled because they wanted to, not because the law said they had to.
Also, CCV gives me options. I'm going to start a work-study soon; I've chosen the America Reads program over the office work. I love to read, especially aloud. The clubs and sports at my old high school weren't anything that I was interested in whatsoever. Now, without each weekday filled up from 7:30 to 2:42 with the same boring classes in the lackluster, oppressive environment, I've found myself with free time to spend however I please. These past few months, I've been volunteering at four different places for a couple of hours a week. I've found that I have time to myself, time for assignments, and time to spend helping others.
But still... what if choosing this better path for myself inadvertently pushed you away from me?
Like so many people always say, "there are plenty of other fish in the sea." But I don't want any old fish, I want you. So I'll keep waiting; I'll give you the space that you forced upon us. I can't lose hope that one day, we'll find that we love each other again.
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